My love,

That's what you are. The love of my life. Wholly. Without reservations.

And as I begin this endeavor to write letters to the 4 people I love the most in life, I start with you since there's so much I wish I could say or do. I'm not writing this down because I want to avoid talking about it. I'm actually writing it down like this since I want to be able to look back on the messages I've left for you and the kids.

I've been thinking a lot about why we ended up together. It seems like we're never in a great place. (yes, I know I'm the reason for that) So, I've honestly wondered if us two ending up together was the best thing.

As amazing as it may seem, I'm always seeing new sides to you and our relationship. You'd think that I should have a good grasp on things since we've been together for 11 years, but I guess I'm just blind to some things. More like, I don't spend any time really thinking about us. I set things aside and just focus on the here and now. So when I actually spend that time thinking about us, or you say things when we're arguing or working things out, the stuff I finally realize hits me like a brick.

Anyways, since you said it yesterday, I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. You said you never felt good enough. I mean, you've said it before many times, but for some reason I've been dwelling on it. Now obviously, I've never agreed with you about this, but I guess I've always just skirted around really talking about it. And maybe that's made the feeling in your heart worse.

And I've said before how I've never felt good enough. Not a good enough husband, father, or provider. More recently, I've talked about how I've always felt inadequate since at least high school. Not good enough grades, not getting into a good enough college, not getting a job as good as my friends, and not progressing in my career enough.

I guess what I've been dwelling on so much is maybe that we both have some level of thinking about what we could have done differently or better. I know you feel like you should have done better in school and gone to college. I know you've felt that you could be a better mother. I've always told you all that doesn't matter, but I know that hasn't changed the way you feel about all that. And I've been thinking about this since yesterday, I guess I'm finally admitting to myself that I also can't let go of all the guilt I have about not doing things differently in my life..not being better, not being able to get over my addition, not trying hard enough, etc.

But you know what? The one thing that I feel like I couldn't have done better is ending up with you.

Yeah, I'll admit I wish you had gone to college and that you made more money in your job. But that hasn't changed how happy I am to be with you.

I know you wish I had done better with so many aspects of our relationship. Spending more time with you. Thinking about your feelings more. Being able to get over my addiction. I don't know how that has changed how you love me, but I know it's created so much hurt for you over the years. Since Day 1 really.

Listen, I'm certainly not trying to equate our issues, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on between us and how, despite everything that's happened, we might be able to live happily together. How we might really have a reason for being together. How, through all of this, we have a lot in common and how that might actually help us mend things.

I don't know where this is headed. But I hope that at some point in the future, when I look back on this letter, I'm able to say that we got through it. And ended up happy.